Chad seemed totally different from the guy I’d known before. He’d always been the frat boy brimming with confidence, if not downright cockiness; or at least that was how I’d always seen him. Now he was stumbling over his words, with a scared-shitless look on his face. I didn’t know if I’d ever seen a grown man so vulnerable.
He didn’t want to talk in public, so we walked to his car, which was parked around the corner. We just sat there for a minute, with me in the passenger seat and him in the driver’s, while he tried to figure out where to start.
“Y-you’ve got to understand,” he said, “my dad is not a guy to fuck with. I-I mean, he used to be a Navy SEAL and everything, and he lost his shit when they got rid of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’. His exact words were, it would cripple the country and pansy it up.”
“I mean, I tried to act normal when I got there. I thought if I just got away from you and went back to my old life, I could stop thinking about you, and I could go back to the way things were… but I couldn’t.”
It took a second for his words to sink in. Before I could say anything, Chad cleared his throat.
“My dad could totally tell something was up. I mean, I could see it in his eyes. He just didn’t know what it was, and I was scared if he found out he’d beat the shit out of me. I-I didn’t know what to do, I felt like I was gonna throw up basically all day every day… so all I can say is, thank God for Ryan and Marcos.”
“Ryan and Marcos?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said. “They were the first ones I came out to… I figured they’d know what to do.”
I couldn’t argue with his logic. Part of me wished he hadn’t told them, considering they were our frat brothers. But I wasn’t going to argue; after all, they were gay too. “How much did you tell them? I-I mean, about us—”
“I didn’t tell them that part,” he said. “I just said I thought I liked guys. I mean, I don’t know if they saw through it or what. Fuck, I barely even remember half of what I said. I was freaking out— I just couldn’t—”
“Hey, I get it,” I said.
Chad turned the ignition and started driving down the street. I didn’t know where he was going, but I wasn’t about to ask. “Anyway,” he said, “Marcos said I should work my way up to it: tell my brother first, then my mom, then my dad. I-I mean my brother’s just sixteen, he’s got friends in school who are gay, or have two moms or two dads or whatever. So out of anyone in my family… at least he seemed like he wouldn’t shit his pants.”
My mind was swimming, so I just stared at the trees going past.
“It didn’t exactly go how I expected,” he said. “I-I kept wanting to tell him, and I tried to force myself and everything, but I kept chickening out… till one night, Patrick was playing Mortal Kombat. He was beating the shit out of somebody, yelling at the screen, and he called him a faggot. And that’s when I couldn’t take it anymore. I made him stop, and I asked him: what would you say if I was into a guy?”
I wanted to ask him about that last sentence. But Chad kept on talking.
“He just made some crack about all the great pussy that’s out there. It wasn’t till I told him I wasn’t kidding, and I asked him not to say anything… that was when he got really quiet. I-I mean, I guess that’s just Patrick, but it didn’t really help.”
“Shit,” was all I could say.
“I almost gave up on telling my mom… till one day, she started in on her twenty questions about the girls I’d met in school. I didn’t know what to tell her, a-and I didn’t have time to come up with a good story, so fuck it— I told her the truth. At least the shorter G-rated version.” Chad sighed. “She said it was just a phase. That, and I could get AIDS.”
My stomach was starting to twist into knots. I was all too aware that I’d never come out to anyone, except of course to the guys I’d slept with. I couldn’t imagine going through that hell.
“You know what the worst part was?” he asked. “It was when she asked me: ‘do you know what your father would say?’ As if I hadn’t been stressing about it the whole fucking time—”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“I mean, shit!” he said. “I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I just— fuck, I got out of there as fast as I could. So I went and crashed with Marcos for a while.”
I was starting to put two and two together. If Chad had been staying with Marcos, then that would explain the picture I’d seen on Facebook. And if Chad was that self-conscious, then it seemed to explain why the picture got deleted.
“I mean, the cool thing was seeing Marcos’s family, and how they acted around him. They were all super-Catholic, and some of them were cooler with him being gay than others… but at the end of the day, they all loved him. And that was all there was to it.”
I looked over at Chad. My guilt was gnawing at me. I kept thinking of how I’d spent that summer slutting it up.
“Anyway… by the time I got back home… I thought I could finally do it. But he wouldn’t talk to me. gaziantep escort Apparently my mom had already told him.”
I blinked. I couldn’t imagine my dad finding out secondhand.
“I tried to tell myself it was normal,” he said. “Not talking to me, I mean. See, he’s always been busy with work. When he was in the Navy, he was always gone for long stretches, a-and even now he’s with a defense contractor, which isn’t all that different… but then I found out he was talking to Patrick. And my mom. I was the only one he was avoiding.”
Chad pulled over into a parking lot. We were at the edge of town, next to a nature preserve. It seemed like a good spot for the privacy we needed.
“I thought he was gonna disown me,” he said. “I-I mean, I was worried he wouldn’t pay for school or whatever, and I’d never get to come back, and I’d never see you again. But I didn’t want to push the guy either, and inflame the whole thing. So fuck, I didn’t know what to do.”
I could’t take my eyes off Chad. His eyes were a lot more watery than I’d expected. He didn’t have tears running down his cheeks, but he wasn’t far off.
“It wasn’t till two days ago, my last day at home, when he finally reared his head. He said my mom had told him about the shenanigans I was in— that was his word— so I’d better not get myself in trouble. I don’t know what the fuck that was supposed to mean, I-I guess it could’ve been worse, but still, what does he call trouble?”
“I dunno,” I said. “I mean, maybe he doesn’t know what to say—”
“Fuck if I know,” he said. “Point is, I guess it’s official now… with my family knowing and shit. And… well, I wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for you.”
I didn’t know how I felt about that last part. “You didn’t need to do that,” I said, “at least not for me.”
“Scott, don’t you get it? I didn’t have a choice. It’s not like I told them about you, at least not in detail. I just— I had something in me I couldn’t control. I wish to God I could’ve hidden it, because God knows I would.”
I stared out at the wilderness around us. “Well,” I said, “I-I guess… well, I don’t think I can control this shit either.”
Chad’s eyebrows went up. “What do you mean?”
“Well,” I said. “I should tell you a secret of my own. When I rushed the Kap Eps last spring… I did it because of you.”
“I mean, I’d seen you around Shaw,” I said. “I guess I was into you too.” As soon as I said it, I wished I hadn’t, because I thought I’d been too forward. I was on pins and needles waiting for him to respond.
“Humph,” he said, “those showers were a joke. When I found out I had to use them… the only upside was hoping some guy would pick me up.”
I didn’t know what I’d expected, but it definitely wasn’t that. “Wait a minute,” I said. “So all that shit you did in the shower— all that showing off and whatnot— are you saying that was on purpose?”
He shrugged. “Well yeah,” he said.
“It’s just— I mean, when I saw you in there, I never would’ve thought—”
“That’s why I rushed the Kap Eps too.”
I frowned. “What?”
“I’d heard about that hazing ritual,” he said. “Or initiation, or whatever we’re technically supposed to call it… and I wanted in on it.”
“Wait a minute,” I said. “You mean that circle jerk—”
“Ryan and Marcos had heard about it too,” he said. “They told me later it was the whole reason they came. Of course, they didn’t expect to have to fuck in front of us, but still….”
“Holy shit,” I said. I was starting to see the past eight months in a totally new light.
“I just didn’t expect what that shit would turn into.”
I sighed. I wanted to say I knew how he felt, but at that point, I wasn’t sure I really knew much of anything.
Chad looked into my eyes. “You know how much I missed you?”
“Don’t say that,” I said.
“Well, I missed you too. And it really fucked with me, okay? The way you freaked out on me that night—”
“—and then you wouldn’t talk to me,” I said. “I-I mean, it’s not like it was for my lack of trying. You wouldn’t call me back, or message me, or anything. It was like you dropped off the face of the earth.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I can’t tell you— well, it’s like I said, I didn’t know what to do… I knew I was into you, like a lot, and it scared the shit out of me. I never felt that before.”
I mulled over his words. “What do you mean, you never felt that before?”
“Well… it’s true. None of the girls I’d been with made me feel the way you do.”
“Fuck, Chad,” I said. “I mean, for God’s sake, man, how did you think I felt? I-I mean I wanted to come see you, or at least talk to you or something—”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t know how many times I can say it, but I mean it. I fucked up. I just… well, if you can just give me a second chance….”
I sighed. “I dunno,” I said. “I mean, fuck if I know what to do.”
Chad looked like I’d just punched him in the face. “Are you saying—”
“I don’t know what I’m saying.” I looked around to make sure there was no one around us. “Let’s just… well, let’s take this one step at a time.” And I moved in to kiss him.
Our lips and tongues came together like keys sliding into a lock. I could practically feel the tumblers turning inside me. I’d never wanted to be with anyone so much, but I’d also never felt so conflicted.
Chad’s body pressed against mine, and we tried to ignore the center console between us. I could see his dick straining through his pants; he would’ve been standing at attention if his jeans had allowed it.
I wanted to fuck him right there, but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It wasn’t just the setting; we could’ve done it in the car, or we could’ve done it in the forest outside. But for the first time in months, I forced myself to keep my dick in my pants.
Finally Chad broke away from me. “Fuck,” he said. “I’ve been wanting that more than I should.”
“What does that mean?” I asked.
Chad ran his hand through his hair. “I dunno,” I said. “I just… I’m not supposed to be into you. We were supposed to just be fuck buddies, remember?”
“According to you,” I said. “I mean… all this shit’s just between us. Nobody else needs to know.”
Chad seemed to blink away a tear, but then he clenched his jaw. “Yeah,” he said. “You know, w-well I won’t tell anybody if you won’t.”
“I wasn’t planning on it anyway,” I said. “I mean yeah, I promise.” Then I forced a smile. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” he said. Then he took a deep breath. “I’ll be fine.”
We knew we had to get back to campus, but we took our damn time. I savored every minute I could spend alone with Chad. I liked the privacy of hanging out in his car; I didn’t want to be around other people, especially since that would mean having to act normal.
At one point we stopped to grab a bite to eat, but it felt awkward having to restrain ourselves. Then again, I thought, it might make for good practice for the semester to come. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to hide our secret from our frat brothers, so we’d need to be extra-careful around them.
I definitely didn’t want to leave him that night. I knew I’d eventually have to, but I put it off for as long as I could. After lots of hemming and hawing, Chad eventually drove me to my place, and he pulled up to the curb. The sky was totally dark, and I could hear the crickets chirping in the distance.
“So,” Chad said, “what are you doing tomorrow?”
“I dunno,” I said. “Nothing special, I mean, since classes don’t start till Monday—”
“That’s cool,” he said. “I….” His voice trailed off, and he put his hand on my cheek. “I’m glad to finally see you again.”
“I’m glad to see you too,” I said. I debated whether to give him a good-night kiss, but then I saw a girl down the street. She didn’t look like anyone I knew, but I didn’t want to risk it.
Chad must’ve seen the girl too, because his demeanor instantly changed. “Cool,” he finally said.
Without further ado, I got out and closed the car door behind me. I walked up the front steps, then turned and looked back at him. Chad waved at me, then drove off. I took a deep breath and finally went inside.
I could barely wrap my mind around what had just happened. I had no idea how I felt about it, and I could hardly imagine what might happen from here.
Barely five minutes later, my phone buzzed with a text. Night dude, Chad wrote. See you in the morning.
I suddenly felt butterflies in my chest. Technically we hadn’t talked about meeting again, but I wasn’t about to argue. You too man, I wrote. I put my phone in the charger, but after a minute, I decided to write: I’m thinking of you.
Chad seemed to hesitate. The little thought-bubble icon appeared on my phone, but then it vanished; then it reappeared again. Thinking of you too, he finally wrote. Miss you already. Then he added an emoji.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I plopped into bed, yanked my pants down, and started jacking off. I kept thinking of Chad while I did it. I imagined he was going at it too, preferably thinking of me, just a few blocks away. I kept fantasizing about his hard cock, and how his fist must be pounding away.
I was craving something up my ass, but I didn’t have any toys, so I did the next-best thing: I reached down with my spare hand, and I started fingering my hole.
My balls started tingling almost immediately. I imagined Chad really fucking me, with his body pumping back and forth, with his hair slashing against his head, and his hard cock sliding in and out of my cunt. I could practically hear his dirty talk, which was music to my ears.
It didn’t take long before I got off. I let out a loud scream— after all, I had my whole place to myself— as my ass squeezed down hard around my fingers. All my pent-up tension and anxiety came to a head, and my cum came gushing out of me. I fell back against my pillow, gave myself a few last strokes, and finally took a deep breath.
I pulled my fingers out of my ass, then halfheartedly wiped the cum from my body. Then I rolled over and tried to fall asleep, because I couldn’t wait for morning.
I spent the next few hours dreaming of Chad. I didn’t remember details; I just remember a blur of skin, dick, and ass. Like all my other sex dreams, it was totally frustrating. I kept trying to bang him, but I kept getting cock-blocked.
My phone buzzed around six a.m. I jumped out of bed, yanked the phone out of the charger, and forced my eyes to focus. Under normal circumstances, it would’ve been too early for me. But at that moment, I felt anything but normal.
Morning dude, Chad had texted. I’m going to grab coffee at Main St. Mocha. Wanna come?
I couldn’t say yes fast enough. Main Street Mocha was just around the corner. Be there in 10 minutes, I wrote. I shaved as fast as I could, jumped in the shower, and threw on some clothes. Then I showed up just as I’d promised.
Chad was already there, and he’d already ordered me a coffee. He’d gotten it just the way I liked it— dark roast with cream but no sugar— which threw me for a loop.
“You’re not hard to figure out,” he said, “at least when it comes to this shit. That’s how you ordered your coffee during Rush Week. You think I wouldn’t remember?”
I frowned. I didn’t remember ever having ordered coffee around him. Then again, I’d had practically the same coffee every morning for years. Part of me was weirded out that he’d noticed, but another part thought it was sweet. I couldn’t deny that Chad had ordered what I wanted; so all in all, I couldn’t complain. “Thanks,” was all I could say.
“Anyway, sorry if I got weird on you last night,” he said. “I really didn’t mean to.”
My heart sank a little. I’d been hanging on Chad’s every word, and I didn’t want to think he didn’t mean it. “No,” I said, “I never thought you were weird.”
Chad’s eyebrows went up. “You didn’t?” he asked. “I mean, I figured it’d be fun to hang out— w-well, assuming you’ve got time— before all the craziness starts.”
I tried to gauge the tone in his voice. Chad still sounded nervous, and he almost made it sound like this was a date. “You know,” I said, “I don’t even know what your major is. We never really talked about it—”
“Poli sci,” he said.
“That’s cool,” I said. “Me, I’m pre-law… but I’m not sure I’m into it.”
Chad nodded. He’d apparently ordered a latte for himself, and he kept sipping it as we headed outside. “Welcome to the club,” he said. “I don’t exactly love poli sci either. I was supposed to go to school on a basketball scholarship, but it didn’t work out. So here I am, trying to figure out what to do… in more ways than one.”
“I never knew that,” I said.
“There’s a hell of a lot I don’t know about you,” I said.
“What do you want to know?” he asked. “I told you about my family—”
“Just barely,” I said. “I’d never heard of them till last night.”
“Dude,” he said, “it’s complicated.”
“What’s so complicated?”
“You know I wasn’t even born in this country?” he asked. “I was born on Okinawa. It was classic Navy brat shit. I mean, I guess it’s cool I got to see the world… certain parts of it, anyway. But I couldn’t keep friends for very long, so I never really felt like I belonged anywhere. At least till my dad retired from the service, which was when I was in high school.” He sighed. “The only people I could rely on, the ones who were always there, were my family… and now, well, who the hell knows anymore, though I guess we’ll find out.”
I took a huge gulp of coffee. “Well,” I finally said, “I don’t know how I’m gonna tell my family either.”
“Are they super-conservative too?”
“I dunno,” I said, “I mean, not like yours. My dad’s an attorney, and my mom’s a realtor. A-and then there’s my sister; she’s going to Dartmouth. I mean, they’re basically whitebread. Their idea of drama is dealing with their homeowners’ association. If they knew about this shit….”
“You don’t think they’ve figured it out?”
“I… well, I don’t think so, but hell if I know. If anybody’s on to me, it’d probably be my sister.”
“She’s like a fucking interrogator,” I said, “and she’s always been like that. She’s never forgiven me for breaking up with my ex.” As soon as I said it, I felt a pang of regret, but it was too late.
Chad pursed his lips, as if he had a sour taste in his mouth. “Your ex, huh?”
“W-well, I mean, I haven’t talked to her in forever. I made sure to avoid her—”
“Tell me about her.”
I paused. “What?”
“Well, it’s like you said… there’s a lot I don’t know about you either.”
I took a deep breath. I didn’t really want to talk about girls, but if we were going to figure this shit out, I knew we’d need to broach the subject sooner or later. “Well, her name was Erica,” I said. “I dated her from sophomore to senior year, and she was the one I lost my virginity to… my straight virginity at least.”
Chad kept a poker face. “So what happened?”